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Nigella Lawson Or Any Woman’s Abuse Is Not Acceptable


From the pictures published, Nigella does not look like a woman enjoying your ‘playful tiff’ Mr Saatchi in my opinion.

There are over 20 other ways you could ‘emphasise your point’ without holding your woman’s throat or squeezing her nose in such manner Mr Saatchi or any mister who does the same. Here are three ways: stamp your foot, press your index finger firmly on the table or use your tone of voice while making the point you want to emphasise.

Nigella does not look shocked by Mr Saatchi’s action, in my opinion this indicates that she has experienced this form of abuse called “playful tiff’ a number of times.

Even though it was reported that “There had been no suggestions that the couple’s relationship was in trouble” a lot of domestic violence cases goes undetected because the victims hide it thinking it will go away not knowing that by so doing they are giving their abuser permission to keep abusing them knowing that the victims feel shame and do not want other people to find out. The abuser in turn feels protected and goes about his ‘abusive business’ as usual. This is not acceptable. This is a classic example of relationships where you think everything is going well only for you to hear one day that the man has killed his wife, children and set the house on fire.

Domestic violence just ain’t cool be it indoors or in public.

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Coping With Domestic Violence / Abuse

Make a crisis plan

Whatever choices you’re making about your relationship, it’s a good idea to have a crisis plan just in case you have to leave in a hurry. This might be when the relationship is over or to escape a particular assault, or to take a break for safety and sanity. Planning ahead can make dealing with an emergency much easier.

This is just a suggested plan of action, which you can add to, or change to suit you.

Find somewhere you can quickly and easily use a phone. (neighbour? relative? other contacts?)

Make and always carry with you a list of numbers for an emergency, include friends, relatives, local police, Women’s Aid and National Domestic Violence Hotline / Helpline.

  • Save some money for bus, train or cab fares.
  • Have an extra set of keys for house, flat, car.
  • Keep the keys, money and a set of clothes for you and the children packed ready in a bag and leave it with a friend you can trust.
  • Explain to your children who are old enough to understand that you might have to leave in a hurry and will take them with you or will arrange for them to join you. Discuss the escape drill.

If you have more time to plan, do as much as possible of the following:

  • Leave when he’s not around.
  • Take all of your children with you.
  • Take your legal and financial papers, marriage and birth certificates, court orders, national health cards, passports, driving licence, child credit books, address book, bank books, cheque books, credit cards, etc.
  • Take any of your personal possessions which have sentimental value – photographs or jewellery for example.
  • Take favourite toys for the children.
  • Take clothing for at least several days.
  • Take any medicine you or your children might need.

If you do leave and later discover you’ve forgotten something, you can always arrange for the protection of a police escort to return home to collect it.

How can I increase my safety if I stay?

You may have decided that at this time in your life, you want to stay with your partner. This could be for a variety of reasons; you may hope that they’ll change, you may want to wait until the children are older or you may feel unable to survive on your own.Whatever your reasons, there are still things you can do to make yourself safer and feel more in control of your situation. You’re not responsible for the abuse but you do have a choice about how to respond to your partner and how best to keep yourself and your children safe.

Increasing your safety

It won’t always be possible to avoid violence and you probably already have ways to help you increase your safety. Below are some ideas which others have used:

  • If you need to leave your home quickly, think about a safe way to do this. What doors will you use? Are there any windows you could use in an emergency?
  • If you think a violent incident is about to occur, try to move to a low risk space where there is not easy access to weapons and you have access to an outside door.
  • If possible, tell a neighbour about the violence and ask them to call the police if they hear suspicious noises.
  • Teach your children how to use the telephone so they can contact others for help. Think of a code word for your children and friends so they will know it’s an emergency.
  • Use your judgment and knowledge of your partner. If the situation is very serious, you can give them what they want to calm them down. It’s important to protect yourself until you are out of danger.
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Abuse Tactics Against Immigrant Women

Power and Control Tactics Used Against Immigrant Women

The following describes, in more detail, some of the ways in which immigrant women are abused, although the experiences of individual victims will vary from case to case:

Emotional:

  • Lying about her immigration status.
  • Telling her family lies about her.
  • Calling her racist names.
  • Belittling and embarrassing her in front of family and friends.
  • Causing her to lose face.
  • Telling her that she has abandoned her culture and become “white,” or “British”, “American” or otherwise.
  • Preventing her from visiting sick or dying relatives.
  • Lying about his ability to have the immigration status of his lawful permanent resident abuse victims changed.

Economic Abuse:

  • Forcing her to work “illegally” when she does not have a work permit.
  • Threatening to report her to immigration if she works “under the table.”
  • Not letting her get job training or schooling.
  • Taking the money her family back home were depending upon her to send them.
  • Forcing her to sign papers in English that she does not understand — court papers, immigration papers and forms.
  • Harassing her at the only job she can work at legally in the U.K, US or otherwise, so that she loses that job and is forced to work “illegally.”

Sexual Abuse:

  • Calling her a prostitute or a “mail order bride.”
  • Accusing her of trying to attract other men when she puts on make-up to go to work.
  • Accusing her of sleeping with other men.
  • Alleging that she has a history of prostitution on legal papers.
  • Telling her that “as a matter of law” in the United States that she must continue to have sex with him whenever he wants until they are divorced.

Using Coercion and Threats:

  • Threatening to report her to the INS/ immigration services and get her deported.
  • Threatening that he will not file immigration papers to legalize her immigration status.
  • Threatening to withdraw the petition he filed to legalize her immigration status.
  • Telling her that he will harm someone in her family.
  • Telling her that he will have someone harm her family members
  • Threatening to harm or harass her employer or co-workers.

Using Children:

  • Threatening to remove her children from the UK or US.
  • Threatening to report her children to the immigration.
  • Taking the money she was to send to support her children in her home country.
  • Telling her he will have her deported and he will keep the children with him in the U.K or US.
  • Convincing her that if she seeks help from the courts or the police the U.K or US legal system will give him custody of the children. (In many countries men are given legal control over the children and he convinces her that the same thing will occur here.)

Using Citizenship or Residency Privilege:

  • Failing to file papers to legalize her immigration status.
  • Withdrawing or threatening to withdraw immigration papers filed for her residency.
  • Controlling her ability to work.
  • Using the fact of her undocumented immigration status to keep her from reporting abuse or leaving with the children.
  • Telling her that the police will arrest her for being undocumented if she calls the police for help because of the abuse.

Intimidation:

  • Hiding or destroying important papers (i.e. her passport, her children’s passports, ID cards, health care cards, etc.)
  • Destroying the only property that she brought with her from her home country.
  • Destroying photographs of her family members.
  • Threatening persons who serve as a source of support for her.
  • Threatening to do or say something that will shame her family or cause them to lose face.
  • Threatening to divulge family secrets.

Isolation:

  • Isolating her from friends, or family members.
  • Isolating her from persons who speak her language.
  • Not allowing her to learn English or not allowing her to communicate in a language she is fluent in.
  • Being the only person through whom she can communicate in English.
  • Reading her mail and not allowing her to use the telephone.
  • Strictly timing all her grocery trips and other travel times.
  • Not allowing her to continue to meet with social workers and other support persons.
  • Cutting off her subscriptions to or destroying newspapers and other support magazines.
  • Not allowing her to meet with people who speak her language or who are from her community, culture, or country.

Minimizing, Denying, Blaming:

  • Convincing her that his violent actions are not criminal unless they occur in public.
  • Telling her that he is allowed to physically punish her because he is the “man.”
  • Blaming her for the breakup of the family, if she leaves him because of the violence.
  • Telling her that she is responsible for the violence because she did not do as he wished.

 

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How To Recognize Domestic violence/abuse

Sometimes women especially misinterpret abusive behaviors as sign of care or love. The behaviors mentioned below will help you differentiate.

Common abusive behaviors

Destructive criticism and verbal abuse: shouting, mocking, accusing, name calling, verbally threatening.
Pressure tactics: sulking, threatening to withhold money, disconnect the telephone, take the car away, commit suicide, take the children away, report you to welfare agencies unless you comply with their demands regarding bringing up the children, lying to your friends and family about you, telling you that you have no choice in any decisions.
Disrespect: persistently putting you down in front of other people, not listening or responding when you talk, interrupting your telephone calls, taking money without asking, refusing to help with childcare or housework.
Breaking trust: lying to you, withholding information from you, being jealous, having other relationships, breaking promises and shared agreements.
Isolation: monitoring or blocking your telephone calls, telling you where you can and cannot go, preventing you from seeing friends and relatives.
Harassment: following you, checking up on you, opening your mail, repeatedly dialing (1471 in UK or number/code used to find out numbers that called you for your country of residence) to see who has telephoned you, embarrassing you in public.
Threats: making angry gestures, using physical gestures to intimidate, shouting you down, destroying your possessions, breaking things, punching walls, wielding a knife or a gun.
Sexual violence: using force, threats or intimidation to make you perform sexual acts; having sex with you when you don’t want to have sex; any degrading treatment based on your sexual orientation.
Physical violence: punching, slapping, hitting, biting, pinching, kicking, pulling hair out, pushing, shoving, burning, strangling, raping.
Denial: saying the abuse doesn’t happen, saying you caused the abusive behaviour, being publicly gentle and patient, crying and begging for forgiveness, saying it will never happen again.

What are the warning signs of an abuser?
The warning signs listed below should make you wary but rather than focusing on single acts, look for patterns of behaviour that show control, restriction and disrespect. No one should be frightened of their partner or prevented from making choices about their life.
Remember also that abusers are often very charming and convincing to everyone – including their partners, until the abuse starts – and then they often continue to be very charming to everyone else except their partner.
This often has the effect of making their partner think, “oh it must be me, it must be my fault”, especially since the abuser is usually telling them it is. It can also make them feel awkward about telling other people because they won’t seem plausible because they only know their ‘nice’ side.

The single biggest warning sign is:

  • If they’ve been in a violent relationship before. Abusive people rarely change.
  • Don’t make the mistake of thinking ‘it will be different with me – they didn’t treat them right’. It’s also worth remembering that almost without exception, every abuser claims that they were really the victim.

Other possible warning signs are:

  • They put your friends down and / or make it difficult for you to see them.
  • They lose their temper over trivial things.
  • They have very rigid ideas about the roles of men and women and can’t / won’t discuss it reasonably.
  • Their mood swings are so erratic that you find yourself constantly trying to assess their mood and only think in terms of their needs. A healthy relationship has give and take.
  • It’s difficult for you to get emotional or physical space away from them – even if you directly ask for it. And if you do get it, they ‘grill’ you about where you’ve been and whom you were with.
  • They criticise you all the time – about your weight, your hair, your clothes, etc.
  • They make all the decisions in your relationship and ignore your needs or dismiss them as unimportant.
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Are You Confused About Domestic Violence?

Domestic violence can be broad and some times confusing for some people. A lot of people suffering domestic violence are not even aware of it while some live in denial.

Here are the many faces of domestic violence to help you, your friend of family member or people you care for identity it and take action.

What is domestic violence?
Domestic violence – also called domestic abuse, battering or intimate partner violence – is a pattern of controlling and aggressive behaviours from one adult towards another within the context of an intimate relationship. Domestic violence is also abuse from a sibling to his/her sibling, parent to child or vice versa, spouse to in-law, parent to home-helper etc

·    It can be physical, sexual, psychological or emotional abuse. Financial abuse and social isolation are also common features.
·       The violence and abuse can be actual or threatened and can happen once every so often or on a regular basis.
·       It can happen to anyone, and in all kinds of relationships – heterosexual, lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT). People suffer domestic violence regardless of their gender, social group, class, age, race, disability, sexuality or lifestyle. The abuse can begin at any time – in new relationships or after many years spent together.

  • Calls you names, insults you or puts you down
  • Prevents you from going to work or school
  • Stops you from seeing family members or friends
  • Tries to control how you spend money, where you go or what you wear
  • Acts jealous or possessive or constantly accuses you of being unfaithful
  • Gets angry when drinking alcohol or using drugs
  • Threatens you with violence or a weapon
  • Hits, kicks, shoves, slaps, chokes or otherwise hurts you, your children or your pets
  • Forces you to have sex or engage in sexual acts against your will
  • Blames you for his or her violent behavior or tells you that you deserve it
  • You may also be experiencing domestic violence if you’re in a lesbian relationship with someone who:
  • Threatens to tell friends, family, colleagues or community members your sexual orientation or gender identity
  • Tells you that authorities won’t help a homosexual, bisexual or transgender person
  • Tells you that leaving the relationship means you’re admitting that homosexual relationships are deviant
  • Tells you that abuse is a normal part of homosexual relationships or that domestic violence can’t occur in homosexual relationships
  • Justifies abuse by telling you that you’re not “really” homosexual, bisexual or transgender
  • Says women can’t be violent
  • Portrays the violence as mutual and consensual
  • Depicts the abuse as part of a sadomasochistic activity

·       Children are affected by domestic violence both in the short and the long term.
·       All forms of abuse – psychological, economic, emotional and physical – come from the abuser’s desire for POWER and CONTROL

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Emotional First Aid For Your Relationship – The Power Process

The Power Process

Do you ever procrastinate about doing important tasks?

Do you ever get nervous before you have to give a presentation, make a sale, present your ideas, or ask for what you want?

Do you ever feel so lethargic that you can’t find the energy to get going?

Do you ever make a mistake and feel so bad about it that you become more and more depressed?

Do you ever feel frustrated and angry with yourself and can’t snap out of it?”

If you’ve answered yes to any one of the above questions, then The Power Process is for you.I know I have answered yes to at least two of the questions.

The Power Process is the third of the three Emotional-First-Aid Techniques and the easiest and takes about 3-5 minutes.

Why Does The Power Process Work

The Power Process works by helping you turn your anger and criticism about yourself into motivation and personal power.  This is so because the real reason of your anger towards yourself is because of the love you have for yourself.

The process that reveals this self Love first starts with Anger as illustrated below:

1. Anger

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2. I did not get

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3. I want

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4. I deserve

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5. Self Love

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6. Personal Power

 How Does The Power Process Work

The Power Process works by taking you through the 6 underlying levels of emotions above. When you get angry at yourself about something, it is because you did not get something. You felt angry because you wanted that thing that you felt you deserved.  You felt you deserved it because you love yourself and you have a strong sense of self-worth. This sense of self-worth is your personal power.  Thus, this whole anger thing I believe occurred because of your fear of losing your personal power.

How To Use The Power Process

The Power Process has 3 steps with each representing a step back towards your personal power.

  1. You express anger at yourself
  2. You express what you want
  3. You express positive, loving support of yourself

You use The Power Process whenever you:

  • make a mistake
  • miss an opportunity
  • disappoint yourself
  • don’t keep commitments
  • do something foolish
  • feel frightened or nervous
  • have an important appointment
  • want to make a good impression
  • want to boost your energy

You can practice The Power Process anywhere really- in the shower, in the car, in front of a mirror etc. You should feel wonderful when you’ve finished.

Here is an example of The Power Process in action. We’ll use James a computer salesman who is not doing well. James freezes up during sales presentations, he does not make his calls and he is not aggressive enough.  James is fed up with his lack of sales and how he views himself. Therefore, instead of putting himself down again and again and making him feel and act worse, he decides to practice The Power Process before going into work.

Step One: Get angry at yourself

This is where you speak out all the anger and blame you are feeling towards yourself about a situation.  Avoid screaming because you’ll end up avoiding the feelings you want to get in touch with. So in a firm and forceful tone of voice, you let out your feelings using phrases like:

“I hate it when you…”

“You are such a…”

“I’m tired of you…”

Use “you” instead of “I”

James getting angry with himself

“James, you are such a wimp. I hate getting up every morning and watching you screw up your day. I despise that part of you that is so damned weak and scared. I hate when you give a presentation in a little mousy voice and act afraid of your customers! Act like a man! Quit being such a nobody.”

Step Two: Become the motivator by expressing what you want.

In the same firm tone of voice, start motivating yourself by saying what you want yourself to do.

James motivation

I want you to grow up! I want you to take charge at work! I want you to go in there today and really shine! I want you to project your voice in meetings! I want you to convince those customers how lucky they are to know you! I want you to be on time for appointments! I want you to believe in yourself! I want you to have the greatest day you have ever had!”

Step Three: Become your own cheerleader by expressing love and support for yourself.

This is the time to cheer yourself on. In the same firm tone of voice, express love and support for yourself by using the following phrases:

I love you when you shine.”

I know you can be successful.”

You deserve to have everything you want.”

James’s love and support

“James, you have so much potential! I know you can be a powerhouse! I love you when you show everyone how smart you are! You deserve to make tons f money! You deserve to be the best salesman in the company! I know you can do it because you are a natural!  People love being around you! I believe in you! I love you!”

There you have it. All three Emotional-First-Aid Techniques completed. Now it’s up to you to practice and use them.

Write a Love Letter using The Love Letter Technique when you and your partner have an argument, use The Power Process for yourself and play The Duplication Game (Technique) with your children.

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Emotional First Aid For Your Relationship -The Love Letter Technique

The Love Letter Technique is the second out of three techniques for resolving deep emotional conflict.  It can be used to resolve or heal issues that the Duplication Technique is unable to resolve.

The Love Letter purpose is to “express and resolve all the negative feelings that prevent you from experiencing and sharing the love you feel deep inside.”

You can write a Love Letter to your intimate partner, someone not intimate or to yourself.

Unlike the Duplication Technique, The Love Letter Technique enables the following:

  1. You to express your feelings without interruption from your partner or the person involved- either by their facial expression, tone of voice or attitude
  2. You to experience a deeper level of release and healing because you write with deeper levels of emotions
  3. You to hear your own emotions externalised while the letter is being read and the person reading your letter will feel his own emotions too while reading it
  4. You to release your own emotional tensions even if your partner does not want to participate because there is healing in writing down your pains.

Just like the Duplication Technique, The Love Letter Technique has different parts or levels of emotions.

The Love Letter Technique has the following parts or emotional levels:

  1. Anger and blame
  2. Hurt and sadness
  3. Fear and insecurity
  4. Remorse and responsibility
  5. Intention and wishes
  6. Love, forgiveness, understanding and appreciation.

You write The Love Letter following the format below:

You begin by expressing your anger, blame and resentment before moving on to other emotional levels.

1. ANGER & BLAME

I hate in when…..

It makes me furious when…

I’m fed up with ….

I’m tired of…

I resent….

2. HURT AND SADNESS

It hurts me when….

I feel sad when …

I feel awful when….

I feel hurt because….

I’m disappointed that….

 3. FEAR AND INSECURITY

I’m afraid that….

I feel scared that…

I am worried that….

4. REMORSE AND RESPONSIBILITY

I’m sorry that…..

I’m sorry for…

Please forgive me for….

I didn’t mean to……

5. INTENTION AND WISHES

I want…..

I wish….

I hope….

6. LOVE, FORGIVENESS, UNDERSTANDING AND GRATITUDE

I love you because….

Thank you for…..

I’m proud of you for…

I forgive you for……

I love it when…

When writing your Love Letter:

  1. Don’t try to be rational. Express all the anger and pain you feel
  2. Be specific on what exactly had caused you to feel the way you feel instead of generalising.
  3. Don’t explain or organise your feelings, just express them as you feel. The only organising at all you need is just in the parts on how the letter should be laid out- levels of emotions
  4. Don’t edit your feelings. Let them out as they are. This will help you release more.

After writing the Love Letter, it’s time to read it.

  1. Swap letters with your partner, so he has yours- one he has written for you – and you have his- one you have written for him.
  2. Read your letter aloud as if you had written it while your partner listens.
  3. Then he reads yours aloud as if he had written it while you listen.  Remember it does not matter who goes first in reading the Love Letter.
  4. After you all have finished reading, you should feel much more emotionally connected and have an understanding of the Complete Truth that was  disturbing you and your partner.
  5. Next, it’s time to discuss what you learned from writing and make new agreements in your relationship that will make you both happier.

Rules for Reading Love Letters

  1. Never stop reading your partner’s love letter until you’ve reached the LOVE end of the letter.
  2. Do not make any comments while reading your partner’s love letter so as to avoid the back-and-forth attacks. You can talk about this in the discussion part.
  3. Notice the lines in your partner’s letter that hurt you the most.

Here is a sample Love Letters from a couple Robert & Ellen who had been married for seven years with a son and arguing about spending more time together.

Ellen’s letter to Robert

 Dear Robert,

You are so self-centered. I hate you for acting like you don’t want to spend time with me. I’m furious at your burying yourself in your work and ignoring our relationship and our family.  If I were a client, you would love to talk to me now, but I’m just your wife, so you act like you couldn’t care less. I hate when you come home and act so cold. I hate when you are too tired to make love night after night. I hate it when you make me seem neurotic for wanting to spend time with you. Grow up and stop being so damned numb.

            It hurts me when we fight like this. It hurts when I am so excited to see you, and you walk in the door and talk down to me. It makes so sad to lie in bed with you and not have you reach out to me. I miss you, Robert, and I miss making love with you as much as we used to.  I feel sad to see you working so hard and not letting yourself play.  It really hurts me tonight when you called me “a demanding bitch,” because I wanted to spend time with you after dinner.  It hurts when you push my love away. It hurts when you close your heart down to me.

            I’m afraid you will always work hard and we will never be together. I’m afraid it will destroy our marriage. I’m afraid our little boy will grow up feeling unloved. I’m afraid you are getting tired of me and hiding behind your job. I’m afraid I will never feel loved enough by you. I’m afraid you won’t open up enough for me, and I will feel so alone. I’m afraid I want to be closer than you do.

            I’m sorry I don’t always tell you how much I appreciate how hard you work. I’m sorry you had a hard day today. I’m sorry I jumped on you tonight with my own problems as soon as you came home. I’m sorry we are fighting. I’m sorry I make you feel you can’t trust me with your worries. I want you to trust me.

            I want us to be close again. I want us to be a team. I want us to spend special time together like we used to. I want to help you so you don’t feel so alone in supporting us. I want to know you love me, and never feel insecure about us. I want to make it safe for you to open to me and let your feelings out. I want us to be so happy together.

            I really love you, honey. I miss you so much when you work at night. You mean everything to me. I feel so lucky to be sharing my life with you. And I am really proud of you for working so hard and doing so well. I know you want to be with me too, and just not feel so pressured. Let’s work together to make our marriage wonderful, because it really is wonderful.  I’ve loved you since the day we met, and I just love the times when we play and are close.  Let’s make up and be close again.

Ellen

 

Roberts Letter to Ellen

Dear Miss Insecure,

I hate you for being such a big baby. I can’t even work hard one night without you going into total panic. It makes me so mad when I come home from working hard and have you nagging me. Why don’t you lay off for once, and let me be?  All you think about is yourself and what you need. Well, what about me, Ellen? I hate you when you get so needy. I hate when you get so critical of what I do, and tell me I’m not doing things right.  Look who’s talking?  Well, if you think I’m so bad, go back with your old boyfriend from college.  I hate when you expect me to be energised at the end of the day. I hate when you act like our relationship is over just because we aren’t lovey-dovey. Grow up, Ellen.

            It really hurts me when I feel you don’t appreciate how hard I am working for you. It hurts me to think you feel like I don’t love you when I do, and I feel frustrated and sad that you feel so unloved. I feel awful when you walk around looking so mopey-eyed, like I have just committed a crime or something. It hurts when you don’t seem to believe in me. It feels awful to fight and not feel close like I know we can.

            I’m afraid you will never be happy or satisfied with me, that I will never be enough for you. I’m afraid I will always have to work harder than anyone else to get ahead. I’m afraid I won’t have the time in my life to do all the things I want to do. I’m afraid if I give to you and my job, there will never be anything left for me. I’m afraid to show you how much I need support sometimes.

            I’m sorry I work so hard. I’m sorry I don’t put aside special time for us. I really want to. I’m sorry I called you names tonight. I didn’t mean it; I just get scared when I feel I can’t make you happy. I’m sorry you feel so abandoned sometimes. I’m sorry I get cranky and lose my temper with you. I feel terrible when I yell at you like that. Please forgive me.

            I want us to be close just like you do. I want to spend more quiet time together. I want to become really successful so I can be with my family more. I want to know what you need and find ways to give it to you. I only want to make you happy, honey.

            I love you, Ellen. I am doing all this hard work for you. You make it all worthwhile. Please feel how much I mean that. I love coming home to you and sleeping next to you at night.  I love how much you need me, because I need me just as much.  Thank you for being such a good mother and wife and for always being willing to write Love Letters and make up quickly. I promise to try harder to take more time to be with you. I love how much you want us to be close, and think you are adorable, even when are angry. Sorry, baby…

Robert.

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Emotional First Aid For Your Relationship – The Duplication Technique

Do we need Emotional First Aid for our relationship? You bet we do.

If our body need first aid, why not our relationship? You don’t have to wait until the little problems in your relationship turn into big problems before you give it attention. You need to give emotional first aid to your relationships as soon as you notice signs of emotional tension.

I’ll cover three techniques on emotional first aid as covered by Dr Barbara De Angelis in her book How To Make Love All The Time.

The three techniques will be covered over 3 weeks.

You can use any of the techniques either for you and your partner and also for your family and children or by yourself. First is The Duplication Technique.

The Duplication Technique

Have you ever engaged in a shouting match with your partner until you were too tired to argue anymore?

Have you ever said to a partner during argument terrible and hurtful things, which you later regretted?

Have you ever had a fight with your partner and ended up fighting about something completely different from what you started fighting about?

Have you ever tried expressing you displeasure to your partner about something small, only to have him react very defensively and blow up at you?

Have you ever felt upset with someone and tried to express your feelings, only to have your feelings come out ‘wrong’ until even you are confused about what you are really feeling?”

I know I have experienced at least two of the above.

We all have at one time or the other felt frustrated, afraid and hopeless when trying to tell our partners about what’s troubling us.  In our attempt to convey our feelings, we complain and start arguing. These do not work, especially arguing. Arguing does not work because;

  1. Instead of expressing your Complete Truth about your feelings, you end up expressing your anger and blame.
  2. Instead of listening to the message your partner is trying to convey, you end up reacting to the angry things your partner is saying.
  3. Instead of dealing with the current issue, you end up dumping all your suppressed anger and resentment from past issues during the argument.  This then makes it hard to reconcile the current issue.
  4. During an argument, you deny yourself the opportunity to explore the complete truth about your own feelings, and this prevents you expressing the real message to your partner.

Instead of arguing, use The Duplication Technique.

This technique is an excellent method when:

  • You want to express the Complete Truth about an issue
  • You want to understand what your partner (or someone else) is really trying to convey to you
  • You really want to figure out what you are feeling
  • You want to feel that someone else understands your feelings.

The moment you notice tension building between you and your partner, it is the time to stop arguing and suggest you use the duplication technique. It does not matter who goes first, you can toss a coin if you wish. But, just do it!

How The Duplication Technique Works.

The Duplication Technique is based on this principle: “When someone duplicates your feelings, it dissolves emotional tension and creates connection.”

Follow these five emotional levels to express the Complete Truth of an issue.

Level 1: Anger and blame

Level 2: Hurt and sadness

Level 3: Fear and insecurity

Level 4: Remorse and responsibility

Level 5: Love, understanding, appreciation

For this to work, you must AVOID criticising your partner for the way he repeats what you say and if you get stuck while expressing yourself, don’t stop, take a deep breath and continue until you finish.

An Example of The Duplication Technique at work

Let’s use Mary and Pete arguing over Pete returning home late on the night they planned to go out.

First, they stop arguing and agree to practice duplication. Then, they decide that since Mary was angry first, she should go first. Next Mary starts with her Level 1 Emotions- Anger and blame- by saying:

MARY: I’m so angry at you for coming home late!

PETE: (Duplicating Mary’s lines) I’m so angry at you for coming home late!

MARY: You’re such an insensitive jerk for not even calling me.

PETE: You’re such an insensitive jerk for not even calling me.

MARY: I’m so mad at you for ruining our wonderful evening.

(Pete continues to repeat each line as Mary expresses all her Level 1 Emotions- Anger and blame. Then Mary moves onto her Level 2 Emotions- Hurt and sadness.)

MARY: It really hurt me when you didn’t seem to care about our romantic date! It makes me so sad when we argue like this.

(Pete continues to repeat each line as Mary expresses all her  Level 2 Emotions- Hurt and sadness. Then Mary moves onto her Level 3 Emotions- Fear and insecurity.)

MARY: I’m afraid that you are getting tired of me.  I’m afraid I’ll always be the one who tries to keep our relationship working. I’m afraid we will both always be so busy that we won’t have time for each other. (Now Mary realises why she was mad tonight- what really upset her.) (Pete continues to repeat as Mary gets in touch with her Level 4 Emotions: Remorse and responsibility)

MARY: I’m sorry  I jumped on you the minute you came home without waiting for an explanation. I’m sorry I get so jealous sometimes. (Now Mary can feel the love that was covered up by all of Levels 1-3 Emotions/feelings. She now moves on to Level 5 Emotions: Love, understanding, appreciation with Pete still repeating).

 MARY: I really love you, Pete, and I love spending time with you. I need you so much. I just miss you when we are both working so hard. Etc (Pete continues until Mary finishes.)

 How did this help this couple?

  Mary was able to express her Complete Truth by following the 5 levels of Emotions until she got to the real core emotion that made her mad which was that she missed Pete and needed more time with him. While Pete was duplicating Mary, Mary got a chance to hear what she was feeling and also she felt Pete really listened and understood her feelings. After this, Mary was then able to work on clearing up the real issue.

Pete on the other hand was able to feel Mary’ s true feelings and concerns and get in touch with some of the feelings Mary expressed about him.

Next, it is Pete’s turn to express the Complete Truth following the 5 Levels of Emotions while Mary repeats.

After Pete finishes, the next step will be for Mary and Pete to discuss what they learned from the process and also discuss how to prevent such thing happening again. Then kiss and make up.

There are 5 steps in this process:

  1. Stop arguing or fighting and decide to practice The Duplication Technique
  2. Decide who goes first
  3. Let the first person take his/her turn
  4. Let the second person take his/her turn
  5. Discuss what you learned about each other and the issue at hand.

You can also use The Duplication Technique with children, just call it The Duplication game, they’ll love it.

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Please Santa, All I Want For Christmas Is Peace

The festive and holiday season is here once
again. While most people are buying and wrapping
presents, decorating and stuffing their stockings,
going away to be with loved ones and getting
excited, others are dreading this season. Because
they know that this season they will endure
domestic violence again.

For these people, especially women and children,
all they wish from Santa this Christmas is PEACE
for themselves and others in similar situation.

17 years ago, I was one of those people. In a
shelter on Christmas day with my three young
children aged three and half years, two years and
five months old. I was glad we were safe and had
peace away from my abusive ex-husband.

Without a Christmas tree, decorations and the
trimmings, my children had one present each from
Barnados Charity that my Health Visitor brought to
us three days before Christmas. After attending
Christmas Mass, we settled in our room to rice and
water with peace and gratitude in our hearts.

I know many women in Refuges where I run
workshops, who will spend Christmas there and many
who will join them.

The holiday and festive season sees increase in
domestic violence with finance, alcohol and
increased time with family members as contributory
factors.

As we celebrate, let’s remember those who will be
abused and keep our ears open and assist anyone we
can.

Help is available for anyone concerned by calling
National Domestic Violence Helpline in UK, free on
0808 2000 247. In case of emergency, call the
police on 999.
In the US by calling National Domestic Violence
Hotline, free on 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or
1-800-787-3224 (TTY) . In case of emergency, call
the police on 911.
If you are located outside the above mentioned
countries please call the appropriate
organisations or emergency numbers.

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Your Health: Three Alternative Healing Methods

What is Health?

“Health is generally defined as being “a state of complete physical, mental, and social well-being and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity” according to the World Health Organization (WHO).

According to Plato’s definition to the Greek physicians of his time, the word “health” means a state of being whole, hearty, sound in all phases of your being – spirit, soul, body, affairs. Health includes healthy financial affairs; healthy relationships with others; a healthy spiritual understanding.

I believe Plato and WHO’s definition is pretty much the same.

There are certain factors that affect our health. They are;

1.Food (wrong type or too much food)

2.Lack of exercise

3.Stress

4.Finance (financial pressure)

5.Relationship (challenging or abuse in relationship)

Etc

If anything goes wrong with any of the listed areas or others not in the list, our health suffers.

There is another factor that affects our health, and this is our thinking and emotions.

So, how does our thoughts and emotions affect our health?

To answer this question let’s first look at what disease is and the cause of disease.

“A disease or medical condition is an abnormal condition of an organism that impairs bodily functions, associated with specific symptoms and signs. It may be caused by external factors, such as invading organisms, or it may be caused by internal dysfunctions, such as autoimmune diseases. “

In human beings, “disease” is often used more broadly to refer to any condition that causes extreme pain, dysfunction, distress, social problems, and/or death to the person afflicted, or similar problems for those in contact with the person.

According to philosophers and metaphysicians, disease is caused by stress to the body. Disease when hyphenated (dis-ease) is a body not at ease.

Our body is really the product of our thoughts. We are beginning to understand in medical science the degree to which the nature of thoughts and emotions actually determines the physical substance and structure and function of our bodies.

You may not know, but all stress begins with one negative thought. One thought, then more thoughts come and more, until stress is manifested. The effect is stress, but the cause was negative thinking and it all began with one small negative thought.

The good news is that no matter what you’ve manifested, you can change it with one small positive thought and then another and so on.

Our body creates disease to give us feedback, which is a good thing I think. Your body is saying to you, you are hurting me, you are feeding me wrong things. The whole idea of any feedback as you know is for you to evaluate and know how to move forward. Thus, if your body is saying to you that it is not happy, the only way to make your body happy is to eliminate the cause of the unhappiness. You do that by changing from negative to positive thinking to bring harmony to your body.

According to a scientist-doctor Alexis Carrel from his book “Man Unknown” written decades ago, he wrote that “Envy, hate, and fear, when these sentiments are habitual, are capable of starting organic changes and genuine disease”. Within recent times, his professional colleagues have begun to agree. When you change those negative beliefs and emotions, you change the body which house them in its cells.

Do not “feed” your body is these bad “foods” - anger, resentment, hate, sadness, ungratefulness, unforgiving heart, fear, worry etc because your body is “allergic” to them and they cause dis-ease.

Rather “feed” or nourish your body with “good foods” such as laughter, forgiveness, gratitude, joy, happiness, peace, love and all things nice J and this all equals Perfect Health.

The other good news is that you have healing power within you which you can bring to consciously release and this is so because: The body has a super-wisdom within it that is biased toward health, rather that toward disease.

This life force in man has been estimated to be at least ten times more powerful than any form of treatment he may take, though various treatments are helpful in releasing this inner force.

3 ALTERNATIVE HEALING METHODS

1. FORGIVENESS

Forgiveness is typically defined as the process of concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, and ceasing to demand punishment or restitution.”

Forgiveness does not change the past but it changes the pain of the past and—unlocks the door to the future.

If you are out of harmony with anyone; if you have been caused unhappiness in the past for which you are still holding a grudge; if you feel you have been unjustly treated in financial or private matters;

If you feel that some loss has robbed you of the happiness that should have been yours by divine right;

If you feel strongly about unhappy childhood and family experiences

If you feel strongly about unhappy childhood and family experiences – you may have every human reason for your feelings, and for continuing to nurse them.


You may be able to justify those feelings in a thousand ways but you mainly hurt yourself by holding the grudge. Your health, prosperity, happiness, and peace of mind can and will be destroyed if you continue to harbour negative emotions.

If you now are in a state of ill health, there maybe something, somebody or some memory you need to forgive and release from your feelings forever. Perhaps you are not consciously aware of what it is. But your subconscious mind, which is the storehouse of your feelings, emotions, and memories, knows what it is. It will respond with release and healing when you give yourself treatments in forgiveness and by using the following affirmation;

“I fully and freely forgive. I loose and let go. I let go and let God’s love do its perfect work in me, through me, for me. I let go and let God’s love do its perfect work in the conscious, subconscious and superconscious activities of my mind, body and affairs. I give thanks that peace, health, plenty and happiness now reign supreme in me and my world.”

Holding a grudge is like putting your body through a major stressful event. Your blood pressure rises, your muscles tense, and you sweat more.

But when you forgive the grudge, your body can relax and release the stress.

Also when we hold resentment toward another, we are bound toward that person by a cosmic link, and forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and be free.

2. LAUGHTER

“Laughter is an audible expression or appearance of happiness, or an inward feeling of joy (laughing on the inside). It may ensue (as a physiological) from jokes, tickling, and other stimuli.”

First of all, laughter is not the same as humor. Laughter is the physiological respo­nse to humor. Laughter consists of two parts — a set of gestures and the production of a sound. When we laugh, the brain pressures us to conduct both those activities simultaneously. When we laugh heartily, changes occur in many parts of the body, even the arm, leg and trunk muscles.

We’ve ­long known that the ability to laugh is helpful to those coping with major illness and the stress of life’s problems. But researchers are now saying laughter can do a lot more — it can basically bring balance to all the components of the immune system, which helps us fight off diseases.

Laughter reduces levels of certain stress hormones. In doing this, laughter provides a safety valve that shuts off the flow of stress hormones and the fight-or-flight compounds that swing into action in our bodies when we experience stress, anger or hostility. These stress hormones suppress the immune system, increase the number of blood platelets (which can cause obstructions in arteries) and raise blood pressure. When we’re laughing, natural killer cells that destroy tumors and viruses increase, as do Gamma-interferon (a disease-fighting protein), T-cells, which are a major part of the immune response, and B-cells, which make disease-destroying antibodies.

An example is Norman Cousins the man who laughed himself to health. Norman Cousins (1915 to 1990), longtime editor of the Saturday Review, global peacemaker, receiver of  hundreds of awards including the UN Peace Medal and nearly fifty honorary doctorate degrees, overcame a life threatening disease and a massive coronary, each time using his own nutritional and emotional support protocol.

Cousin’s seminal book ”Anatomy of an Illness” details his healing journey overcoming ankylosing spondylitis (a degenerative disease causing the breakdown of collagen). Given up to die within a few months in 1965, almost completely paralyzed, Cousins checked out of the hospital, moved into a hotel room and began taking extremely high doses of vitamin C while exposing himself to a continuous stream of humorous films and similar ”laughing matter”. His condition steadily improved and Cousins regained the use of his limbs until he was able to return to his full-time job at the Saturday Review.

3.GRATITUDE

“Gratitude, thankfulness, or appreciation is a positive emotion or attitude in acknowledgment of a benefit that one has received or will receive.”

At the University of California at Davis, psychology researchers conducted a study to explore the factor of gratitude on human health and wellness.

One of the things that researchers discovered was that “a daily gratitude intervention (self-guided exercises) with young adults resulted in reported levels of positive states of alertness, enthusiasm, determination, attentiveness and energy.“

Also, adults with neuromuscular disease benefited greatly in terms of higher energy, positive moods, and optimist ratings of one’s life when they practiced a 21-days gratitude intervention program.

Why 21 days I hear you ask? Because, it takes 21 days to establish a habit and re-train the brain to develop new thought patterns that then influence behavior.

So no matter the diagnosis or dis-ease you can apply the above methods to help you get back to health. These alternative methods can also be used in conjunction with any other conventional methods without side effects. Remember these words according to Norman Cousins, “don’t deny the diagnosis, defy the verdict.”

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