The Love Letter Technique is the second out of three techniques for resolving deep emotional conflict. It can be used to resolve or heal issues that the Duplication Technique is unable to resolve.
The Love Letter purpose is to “express and resolve all the negative feelings that prevent you from experiencing and sharing the love you feel deep inside.”
You can write a Love Letter to your intimate partner, someone not intimate or to yourself.
Unlike the Duplication Technique, The Love Letter Technique enables the following:
- You to express your feelings without interruption from your partner or the person involved- either by their facial expression, tone of voice or attitude
- You to experience a deeper level of release and healing because you write with deeper levels of emotions
- You to hear your own emotions externalised while the letter is being read and the person reading your letter will feel his own emotions too while reading it
- You to release your own emotional tensions even if your partner does not want to participate because there is healing in writing down your pains.
Just like the Duplication Technique, The Love Letter Technique has different parts or levels of emotions.
The Love Letter Technique has the following parts or emotional levels:
- Anger and blame
- Hurt and sadness
- Fear and insecurity
- Remorse and responsibility
- Intention and wishes
- Love, forgiveness, understanding and appreciation.
You write The Love Letter following the format below:
You begin by expressing your anger, blame and resentment before moving on to other emotional levels.
1. ANGER & BLAME
I hate in when…..
It makes me furious when…
I’m fed up with ….
I’m tired of…
2. HURT AND SADNESS
It hurts me when….
I feel sad when …
I feel awful when….
I feel hurt because….
I’m disappointed that….
3. FEAR AND INSECURITY
I’m afraid that….
I feel scared that…
I am worried that….
4. REMORSE AND RESPONSIBILITY
I’m sorry that…..
I’m sorry for…
Please forgive me for….
I didn’t mean to……
5. INTENTION AND WISHES
6. LOVE, FORGIVENESS, UNDERSTANDING AND GRATITUDE
I love you because….
Thank you for…..
I’m proud of you for…
I forgive you for……
I love it when…
When writing your Love Letter:
- Don’t try to be rational. Express all the anger and pain you feel
- Be specific on what exactly had caused you to feel the way you feel instead of generalising.
- Don’t explain or organise your feelings, just express them as you feel. The only organising at all you need is just in the parts on how the letter should be laid out- levels of emotions
- Don’t edit your feelings. Let them out as they are. This will help you release more.
After writing the Love Letter, it’s time to read it.
- Swap letters with your partner, so he has yours- one he has written for you – and you have his- one you have written for him.
- Read your letter aloud as if you had written it while your partner listens.
- Then he reads yours aloud as if he had written it while you listen. Remember it does not matter who goes first in reading the Love Letter.
- After you all have finished reading, you should feel much more emotionally connected and have an understanding of the Complete Truth that was disturbing you and your partner.
- Next, it’s time to discuss what you learned from writing and make new agreements in your relationship that will make you both happier.
Rules for Reading Love Letters
- Never stop reading your partner’s love letter until you’ve reached the LOVE end of the letter.
- Do not make any comments while reading your partner’s love letter so as to avoid the back-and-forth attacks. You can talk about this in the discussion part.
- Notice the lines in your partner’s letter that hurt you the most.
Here is a sample Love Letters from a couple Robert & Ellen who had been married for seven years with a son and arguing about spending more time together.
Ellen’s letter to Robert
You are so self-centered. I hate you for acting like you don’t want to spend time with me. I’m furious at your burying yourself in your work and ignoring our relationship and our family. If I were a client, you would love to talk to me now, but I’m just your wife, so you act like you couldn’t care less. I hate when you come home and act so cold. I hate when you are too tired to make love night after night. I hate it when you make me seem neurotic for wanting to spend time with you. Grow up and stop being so damned numb.
It hurts me when we fight like this. It hurts when I am so excited to see you, and you walk in the door and talk down to me. It makes so sad to lie in bed with you and not have you reach out to me. I miss you, Robert, and I miss making love with you as much as we used to. I feel sad to see you working so hard and not letting yourself play. It really hurts me tonight when you called me “a demanding bitch,” because I wanted to spend time with you after dinner. It hurts when you push my love away. It hurts when you close your heart down to me.
I’m afraid you will always work hard and we will never be together. I’m afraid it will destroy our marriage. I’m afraid our little boy will grow up feeling unloved. I’m afraid you are getting tired of me and hiding behind your job. I’m afraid I will never feel loved enough by you. I’m afraid you won’t open up enough for me, and I will feel so alone. I’m afraid I want to be closer than you do.
I’m sorry I don’t always tell you how much I appreciate how hard you work. I’m sorry you had a hard day today. I’m sorry I jumped on you tonight with my own problems as soon as you came home. I’m sorry we are fighting. I’m sorry I make you feel you can’t trust me with your worries. I want you to trust me.
I want us to be close again. I want us to be a team. I want us to spend special time together like we used to. I want to help you so you don’t feel so alone in supporting us. I want to know you love me, and never feel insecure about us. I want to make it safe for you to open to me and let your feelings out. I want us to be so happy together.
I really love you, honey. I miss you so much when you work at night. You mean everything to me. I feel so lucky to be sharing my life with you. And I am really proud of you for working so hard and doing so well. I know you want to be with me too, and just not feel so pressured. Let’s work together to make our marriage wonderful, because it really is wonderful. I’ve loved you since the day we met, and I just love the times when we play and are close. Let’s make up and be close again.
Roberts Letter to Ellen
Dear Miss Insecure,
I hate you for being such a big baby. I can’t even work hard one night without you going into total panic. It makes me so mad when I come home from working hard and have you nagging me. Why don’t you lay off for once, and let me be? All you think about is yourself and what you need. Well, what about me, Ellen? I hate you when you get so needy. I hate when you get so critical of what I do, and tell me I’m not doing things right. Look who’s talking? Well, if you think I’m so bad, go back with your old boyfriend from college. I hate when you expect me to be energised at the end of the day. I hate when you act like our relationship is over just because we aren’t lovey-dovey. Grow up, Ellen.
It really hurts me when I feel you don’t appreciate how hard I am working for you. It hurts me to think you feel like I don’t love you when I do, and I feel frustrated and sad that you feel so unloved. I feel awful when you walk around looking so mopey-eyed, like I have just committed a crime or something. It hurts when you don’t seem to believe in me. It feels awful to fight and not feel close like I know we can.
I’m afraid you will never be happy or satisfied with me, that I will never be enough for you. I’m afraid I will always have to work harder than anyone else to get ahead. I’m afraid I won’t have the time in my life to do all the things I want to do. I’m afraid if I give to you and my job, there will never be anything left for me. I’m afraid to show you how much I need support sometimes.
I’m sorry I work so hard. I’m sorry I don’t put aside special time for us. I really want to. I’m sorry I called you names tonight. I didn’t mean it; I just get scared when I feel I can’t make you happy. I’m sorry you feel so abandoned sometimes. I’m sorry I get cranky and lose my temper with you. I feel terrible when I yell at you like that. Please forgive me.
I want us to be close just like you do. I want to spend more quiet time together. I want to become really successful so I can be with my family more. I want to know what you need and find ways to give it to you. I only want to make you happy, honey.
I love you, Ellen. I am doing all this hard work for you. You make it all worthwhile. Please feel how much I mean that. I love coming home to you and sleeping next to you at night. I love how much you need me, because I need me just as much. Thank you for being such a good mother and wife and for always being willing to write Love Letters and make up quickly. I promise to try harder to take more time to be with you. I love how much you want us to be close, and think you are adorable, even when are angry. Sorry, baby…